Weakened Emotions

February 2, 2020 - Entry 6

I want to cry, but I won't. I feel it rising in my chest, the cool sensation of sadness bubbling up inside me, but I can't. I remember a time where I used to express my emotions with pride. With care and love, carefree and brazenly. Without a thought there could be a consequence to these treacherous feelings, these hindrances that create a standstill to my ever tantalizing life. Now, I'm so jaded from the world, I repress myself and lie.

In all honesty, these emotions are a hassle to deal with as weak or emotional, so I can't help myself now. Somewhere along the line I've done it so often that it'll subconsciously happen. I'll hide my feelings inside, suppressed and out of sight where no one can critique or read them.

But somehow I've gotten careless. I started showing them to people. Suddenly my words and experiences drip sweet like a juicy Jolly Rancher or enticing the others to come look, become magnetized and draw towards them. These words fall out of my mouth recklessly and I reveal parts of myself I never thought I'd speak of again. I want to lie, I want to hide. And people suck it dry as a vampire would to their next victim.

But it's much too late for the people who have already seen.

Actually, I always choose the wrong people to see this ugly, twisted side of me. It's unbecoming and pathetic. I shouldn't show it to my family. I shouldn't expose myself to friends.

I know these rules I've set up for myself to be factual because there were so many instances where doing the opposite, that disobeying had a disastrous effect. They, towering over with their superiority and power and I, struggling to breathe, suffering and enduring in my accelerating agony.

Sometimes my gut instinct is always right in cases like these, but I don't listen to it because I'm trying to find some evidence to back up my claims. Listening to instinct or feelings is wrong. There's no truth to it.

Never.

So I suppose I must wear a mask in front of my family, all to keep up with the lie that we're a perfect family and so I don't trigger people. After all, my feelings don't matter if it's for the greater good.

I must suppress and lie, pretend to be find and wear a mask. I'll deal with these pesky feelings later.

I'll reject all the things I am, hide away the feelings I have because it's not normal to feel. It's weak to express such a treacherous emotion. These ugly, disgusting feelings.

I reject everyone who disagrees, anyone who gets too close, everyone I've ever loved, risked to trust and then...they've abandoned and lied. I rather not rely on uncertainties and rely on people that won't be there for my tomorrow. I will be here. I'll be existing. I'll be picking up and piecing together all that I was and could have become but couldn't because of the deceit pressing down on me, suffocating my will to live.

But even so, I hate every moment of it. I hate the feeling to do this.

But oh, what am I saying? Hypocritical of me to go on a tangent about being deceived by masks and lies. Truly, the only good liar is myself.

But I can't even bring me to hate myself.