Shifting Masks

December 19, 2019 - Entry 4

Hello sweethearts, it's Kai. I'm back to detail the rest of the crazy stuff with Zadian. Perhaps I'm falling into confirmation bias again, but I just need a legitimate reason to not have anything to do with her.

I hope that doesn't make me a terrible person.

I'm writing on the basis that I've already written the second entry about Zadian. This might be the last time I talk about her on here. I still have yet to return the book, but I'm really put off with seeing her face again.

First off, I mentioned that I was getting creepy vibes off of her, but brushed it off as me being delusional. To some degree, she's a little strange.

I'll say this, the second time we met, she asked me how seriously I would take this apprenticeship. "Very seriously." I replied, hoping I sounded convincing enough for her. She looked...almost pleased. She did say though that she wanted me to treat this like it was my first priority. Those words echo in my head now as I type this out. She repeated it so many times now, I could write a song with that phrase alone. She wanted me to treat this like a priority not like an option.

Can you really call me delusional for being a little skeptical? Let's be honest. No one will treat their priorities like actual priorities unless they got their necessities out of the way. As we all know, priorities get pushed around in college, in life too. What should be your first priority might become your second, because things come up. It happens. And shouldn't my education be a first priority above everything else?

The day I was supposed to meet her again, it was the last day of finals - Friday. My mom picked me up along with my sister riding shotgun, because everything always goes her way. I'm a lot older than her, but I still don't think she treats me as such. Besides my little discussion on her existence, she was also supposed to help out with moving my stuff. Some help she was. Anyways, Zadian texted me saying that she was already at the Panera near Millennium Park. Surprised, I switched back to our texts and surfed through to double check. Sure enough, I had agreed to meet her at 7 pm on December 13th sharp.

There was nothing I could do. My mo was literally on the highway, driving far far away from the city. I was already packed and awaiting to get home. There was no possible way I could sway her to turn back around now. What was I to say? That I had an appointment with a rather unknown friend to hang out and talk? She would have easily dismissed it and told me to text her to hang out for another time - perhaps after break. And I hardly knew Zadian. So, my next best bet was to text her that I wouldn't come, because I had left right after finals.

My phone pinged with a message. "Thanks for letting me know," it read. "let's hop on the phone real quick" and then next to it were two emojis - the smiley face one and the one with a 'hit me up' hand signal. I hardly had time to register her message before she called me. Reluctantly, I picked up. "Hello?" I responded, not knowing what to expect. My mom peered over at me through the rearview mirror, questions blooming in those seaweed green eyes.

"Hi Kai. I just read your text and I was wondering how you were doing. Last time we couldn't talk because you said you were sick." I looked up back at my mom and my sister again - both were chilling in the front seat. their curious side glances boring into me. It didn't help that Zadian had a high-pitched, chipper voice. I'm sure they could hear everything.

"Yeah. I had the stomach flu. I was puking up my guts and could hardly get up." I replied while my insides stung with the white lie. I mean, technically, I was sick, just not a severe case of stomach flu like I portrayed. Only a mild one. "Ohh, so you were sick-sick." Her response rubbed me the wrong way. Did it really look like I would lie about that? I couldn't really say much, her tone just shoved me into a dark corner, and I was too shocked to have any comeback much less get out of her sticky web of sketch.

"Yeah it was pretty awful. I thought I was gonna die." This one wasn't a lie either. I truly thought I would die from the pain. I also am a bit of a drama queen too.

"Well, I'm glad you're better now. Why is it that you can't come today?"

"Uhm..." I fumbled around for the truth. I didn't really know how to phrase that I was literally leaving the city and going home to the suburbs. It sounded like I was a kid being lagged around wherever my parents were, but I was in fact much younger than her. She was what, 26 and I was 19? There's a disparity of 7 years in that. And she lived alone in the city, whereas I dormed on campus in my university.

"I can't come, because I'm packing. Today's the last day of finals and I'm leaving to go home."

There was a pause on the other line. Then... "Kai, let me ask you something." Her tone dropped from the sugar sweet politeness from before to something cooler, jaggedly sharp. Perhaps I had imagined it? It was in fact more passive aggressive than I had anticipated. I didn't expect that kind of resistance from her and it seemed like she was containing her rage to spew it in tiny needles through the screen. I winced. "Yeah?" I asked as softly as possible, so my mom wouldn't catch a drift of a confrontation stirring in the midst. "Let me give you an analogy. Say you were going in for an interview to a half-of-a-million-dollar company. Would you give them the same excuse you just gave me?"

She kind of sounded like a high school teacher from the way she was lecturing me - not going to lie.

Gobsmacked, I stared outside for a couple of moments. Cars raced and edged out next to each other. The city bobbed in the distance, Sears Tower was a small pin compared to the cars etching their way in front of my vision. "Uh what?" I responded, dazed from her question. "If you were...going to an interview...to a half-of-a-million-dollar company. Would you give them the same excuse that you just gave me now?" She enunciated slowly.

I thought it over and questioned the analogy. "Uhm...Um. I guess, I suppose I wouldn't."

"Then how does that make this any less different?"

Because you're not part of a half-of-a-million-dollar company! I'm taking a huge leap of fate on what you're talking about here. You don't understand my circumstances right now, my hands are tied.

"Look Zadian, I really can't go back. My mom already picked me up. We're in the car and we're leaving the city. I'm leaving for winter break."

She cooled down and mellowed out for a bit. "Oh! So, you're leaving-leaving." This girl... I gritted my teeth. She completely transformed from a churning blaze of fire to a sweetheart who'd literally bend tooth and nail for you to be comfortable. Two completely different personas. I suppose I did ask for it, but the change was startling. "Yes. For winter break." I repeated. "I don't think I'll be here in the here city at all during the rest of December." Actually, I most definitely won't knowing I could run into the Lochness Monster at any point of my time there.

"Oh! Then when do you think you'll approximately be back?"

"Umm..." The 13th. The words were garbled in my throat, but I stopped myself. I don't feel like going to visit someone on that date. I literally come back for school on that day. I'll be dead exhausted if I had to go out at 7pm in the wretched snow on the train just to chat. "The 15th," I said instead.

"Oh, okay." She seemed to be thinking about the long period for a second. Yeah. It was a month of winter break. I was stoked to be without assignments, but simultaneously knew somewhat of how she was like. Vaguely at least. The long time period keeps anyone agitated - I expected nothing less of her. "Then, text me around the 15th if you're still interested to hang out and return the book. If you're not, then..." Long pause before masking her disappointment. "If you're not, then I'll completely understand. And enjoy your holidays, Merry Christmas!" She sounded genuinely happy and sweet yet again. The flip of her tone threw me off. How was I supposed to respond? Defensive again or normal?

"Uh yeah..." I answered, completely shaken from the change of her voice yet again. She masks her emotions too much, it's startling to hear and see. "Enjoy your holidays as well and Happy New Years." I echoed emptily.

She didn't seem to notice the vacancy of my voice. Instead, she seemed to readily and genuinely accept my response. "Thanks! You too!"

Click.

I'm not completely certain as what I should do next, but I will say that I'll either choose to return the book or pretend we never met at all. Or shut up about my suspicions until I have further evidence to back it up. Whichever yields the most adventure and excitement.

I'll leave this entry here for now. I'm on winter break, sweethearts, which means more updates and more adventures on my life. Wish me luck to find the most trouble.

And as always, imagine valiantly, sweethearts.