Uninvited Thoughts

January 18, 2020 - Entry 5

I was haunted by his shadow. It clung to me much like wet clothes clung to my skin. Hard to remove and unshakeable. Perhaps, not as haunting as a dead person, but haunting that it'd make its way into my thoughts, uninvited and intrusive. Unwanted, nonsensical things filled my mind. And I hated every moment of it.

I couldn't begin to describe my frustration. After all, everything had been going so right for me. But just as I'm taking a step forward, something, someone pulls me back. Only I can piece myself out of this mess. But I have no answers. Just burning questions easily dismissed aside.

It's not so simple to simply reach out and get through to someone. Words are carelessly thrown down, pushed aside, left longing and wanting, but simply untouched.

What a waste of breath. What a waste of energy.

I fall back into myself again.

With no one to catch me, even as with shaky, unsteady fingers trembling, I can't even think to save myself.

I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling.

But is that really the word to describe it? I'm slowly being swallowed in the abyss, consumed by some intangible force. Tantalizingly swept into a labyrinth without any direction or guidance, tossed aside from the shore...

No, I'm drowning. Slowly forgotten, dissipating my very being and water is filling up my lungs. I'm sinking into the sea where there's no light and I long for it. I long to be embraced by the sun.

But its rays lie to me, I creep too close and it burns me. I reach out and it scathes me with deceit and contempt.

I decided long ago that I wouldn't be held by a warm embrace if it was a mask to protect itself. I told myself I wouldn't trust another's words or hands if they made an attempt to grasp mine.

But why of all times was I feeling so conflicted now?

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